Harder;Better;Faster;Stronger.:.Eryk

[©erridwen Corrigan]

--Nat

Thank you. For setting me on the right path, I have decided...that I'm going to take your advice and kidnap Eryk. Don't worry I'll have him back before dawn the next morning. So please don't fret. I swear though...if your wrong, you will get to feel this Kitty's claws. Poisoned. Claws. (:

--Kitty Kat

"Eryk! Why! How! Ugh!" Cerridwen shook her head pacing in front of him. So...what if she had kidnapped him, taken him to a hotel, thrown him into the room and started yelling at him. So what if she'd been yelling at him now for...oh it couldn't have been hours, maybe a few? One? Possibly two? Tears have been shed on her part, she couldn't really...know about Eryk, she was to afraid to look at him, go near him, and now...now that she was ending, and the tears were freely flowing she wonders...if she had made a mistake? Trusting Nat like that.

She had covered everything, everything she had said to Nat, everything she yelled at him for, everything, she meant, she loved him, she told him this. She tried. She couldn't figure him out. She told him this. Cerridwen told him...just about all of this, and she had gotten his word that he wouldn't try and leave, not until she was done, but now she was nearing the end, and what was there to do? Try and stop him?

Sighing Cerridwen ran a hand through her hair. Her yelling was done. Her yelling was through. Her tears had come, and they had gone, she had poured her heart and soul into...everything. Every word. Every last little...character.

What would he do though? Stay? Go? Looking at the bland wall, Cerridwen turned around, for the first time since she started everything and looked him in the eyes. "Eryk...I love you." She uttered and shook her head. "Please...yell at me. Get everything out, argue with me, tell me...you want to marry me. To have beautiful...little fae children...and live happily.' She uttered "As much as I know you...right now don't want to, that you hate me, that you want to just...leave me forever, tell me that's what you want, or something similar." She uttered meekly. "Because...that's what I want but I can't...won't do anything until I know...what you want." She uttered and dropped her eyes to the carpet floor.

[eryk]

He sat cross legged on the large, comfy, deep chocolate couch. Eryk had just sat through one of the most Twilight Zone type situations in his life. Yelling, lots of yelling had just occured, and honestly he didn't know how to react. Some of it had sort of made no sense to him. Other parts left him so shocked he missed other parts. Overall he got Cerridwen was an emotional wreck right now and had decided to aim it all at him. Not blaming him just directing it at him. Natsumi had acted slightly odd the past few days, this was probably why. The boy hadn't told him where he'd gone the day he'd seen Cerridwen. Eryk had gotten nothing. Now with this being tossed in his lap he was going to throttle the sixteen year old.

There he sat just staring at her not knowing what to do or say. This was all very...not Cerridwen. Seeing her completely break down like that was like watching the Great Hoover dam explode. Sighing he laid his head back on the couch thinking. He was good at being dark and moody, but when she had those emotions covered what did that leave him? Sure at certain times while she was yelling he wanted to yell back, or made some snide comment. Or to comfort her. But she'd just kept going! Now as she ran out of steam he didn't really feel anything. Didn't feel the rage he'd felt at being kidnapped, the spurts of anger at some of her statements. Or the guilt of putting her through this. Overall he felt rather, numb.

Deciding he better do something he stood walked over to her wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her up. Then gazing into her eyes a single tear fell from his eye before he kissed her. He held her and kissed her with every bit of love he had for her. Pulling only far enough away to whisper into her lips. Eryk kept his eyes closed as he spoke his lips brushed against her's.

"Please, no more crying. I do care for you, love you,but I'm so afraid. Cerridwen, I-I'm so afraid to love you." Another tear fell without his knowledge as he set her down onto her feet. A cold hand lifted to cup her cheek his forehead against hers. So much had she unloaded and yet there was still this giant dam set up inside. She'd unloaded, showed him everything. But from past experiences he was too afraid. Fear held his tongue, and so did that persistance darkness that plagued his mind anymore. It wasn't the darkness he'd experienced when he'd lost it. No, it was this cynical, jaded, let's-hate-the-world type of darkness. Earlier that darkness had wanted him to rage against her, but she'd just plowed right on. He hadn't gotten a chance. Now all that was locked inside.

"Thank you, for...showing me this. I can't imagine how much it took for you to drop your walls." Eryk stroked her cheek with he back of his fingers eyes still closed. She'd said so much. Love, sorrow, pain, doubt, and secrets. Secrets some of which she had no right to tell. Secrets he'd have to deal with later with the person they were to tell. Though he didn't blame her at all she was frazzled and had been ranting. Anything can come out whether wanted or not when one is ranting. But he didn't have a rant for her, well, not true. He did, but he just didn't feel it. It was still all locked up nice and safe.

Kissing her softly he then pulled away completely going back to his seat on the couch. One arm draped over the back and he rested one heel on the other's knee. Gazing at the floor he was lost. He wanted to comfort her, to make everything alright, but how?

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Cerridwen shook her head. "Don't...don't kiss me..." She murmured sighing. She turned her face down to the side, giving him a perfect profile view. She didn't want to do this...she didn't want to kiss him, to love him, they were beyond that. Everytime...they said something sappy, kissed and made up, things only lasted so long. It was time for the truth, all of it. No more...lies, no more crap. Cerridwen took a deep breath. "I'm just...sick." She murmured. "I don't want you to get what I've had...I mean don't worry or anything" Cerridwen nodded "I want to keep you healthy though, you and Maeleeown both..." Cerridwen said clearly. Cerridwen straightened her posture and started pacing in front of him, her rant starting back up again. "I mean Eryk, how can...you honestly expect to live like this?" She questioned raising a hand to push back a few stray strands of hair and as she shook her head sadly, the few strays fell back into her face. "It's not that I don't love you lavishing me, I just, I can't appreciate it until I know your happy, that you want to be there, that there is no pain, no extra strings attached" Cerridwen tried explaining again.

"And then this whole...this whole thing with you lying? Stop. Lies don't help, and I can't just accept those lies, because then it will only hurt me internally, and Eryk damnit!" Cerridwen let her fist bang into a wood chest and looked to him the fire in her eyes again. "I'm TIRED of hurting inside! Pretending everything is okay when it's not!" She shook her head and groaned and sighed letting out yet another burst of energy that had ran through her. "I can't just...we can't go through the motions anymore. Assuming that it will work it's self out. It's not. We have to figure out what we want--"Cerridwen stopped mid sentence and paused to gather her thoughts. "I want to be with you. I've told you what I want. I've given you what I can! I've given you what I think is right! You can't just sit by my side anymore and take it! If you don't like someone, or something that I hang out with then tell me! " Cerridwen nodded.

Then another thought hit her. "I am NOT Xavier....opposite what your little friend Nat might believe. I am NOT. I'm nothing like him! Stop treating me like I am him! That insults me and I can't just take this anymore! Be angry with me! Yell at me! That's what relationship is!" Cerridwen shook her head slowly another small rant coming to an end.

Why couldn't this just be simple? Really? They deserved this happiness, but she wanted to know what he felt. What she was getting from him was words. When he said 'I love you' it was words...there was nothing there. No feeling, not like it use to sound. Cringing at her thoughts, Cerridwen looked to him. "Can you even tell me I love you anymore...and actually mean it? Because Eryk, those are words, I hear the words, I want to feel them, I want to feel them now, we are past just words, I love you one-hundred thousand white lilies. "Cerridwen nodded slowly, her voice dropping to a whisper. "Can you say though the same? And can you believe me? You should have no reason to fear me...fear us, if we tries, if we..." Cerridwen paused thinking "If we tried together...I can only see good things, Eryk I want those good things, I'm tired of having little girl fantasy's of weddings, and children and houses, I'm tired of it. I want to know. I want it to happen. I'm tired of dreaming about what could happen to us, what we could do, create, become.." She whispered.

"But I can't, I can't do anything not until I know how you feel, Eryk...please. tell me. Don't lock it up because that's what you always do! You ALWAYS do that! It's time to stop and be a man! Don't turn into Xavier because you are! You are turning into him! The type of person he was and I don't want that to happen! I promise you...he probably was just like this, beat around, used, and then tossed aside, and one day he grew up and took the lead, Eryk...please don't. Don't take that. Yell at me if you have too I don't care but DON'T turn out like him because your on the same path he had taken." Cerridwen nodded

She did not go near him just...paced in front of him, ranting and trying to figure out how to get him to open up. Make him angry...that was her selected method...but how would she do this? Being compared to Xavier had made her pissed off...maybe it would him too. Hopefully.

[eryk]

She pulled away from his kisses. Again. Lips a thin line he sat on the couch his hands flexing into fists then relaxing repeatedly. It was just too damn much for her to just accept things. She can't just be happy with nice words and a kiss. Other girls would be happy. Other guys would be happy. Course guys would understand. His jaw mucles flexed as his jaw tightened as she ranted some more. Here we go. Where was she getting all of this ammo from? Looks like she's been just as unhappy wih how things are going as he was. Good to hear this now after over a year of dating. Lovely to hear it now.

"I don't treat you like you're Xavier, if Nat said that I did he was lying. If he thinks that then that's not my fault." He flicked his gaze in her direction voice cold and dead. Then when she demanded he react in some way he sighed and rolled his eyes to stare at the room. Getting ranted and yelled at for hours on end tended to wear on a person. This was all rather tedious, repetitive, and felt like a movie he'd seen too many times. Him not being good enough and him getting blamed for everything going bad in their realtionship.

Rolling his head back to rest on the couch he tapped his fingers in an irratated, fast pace on his shoe. 'Do you love me?' 'Tell me you love me.' 'Tell me and make it sound like you mean it.' The blood began to boil the longer she talked but with deep even breaths he kept it under control. But a certain little comment made his eyes narrow and his tongue burn. "You having fantasies of children? Since when?" He rose his head one blue eyes burning at her. "I thought you weren't ready for kids?"

He gave a dark chuckle that had nothing to do with happiness. "I mean horrors of horrors if you actually got pregnant with my child. You wouldn't want some monster growng in your belly." After sying this he stood not able to take the sight of her pacing. Going to the expansive window he opened the curtains to stare out over the Mississippi River bathed in moonlight. Everything always seemed to happen at night with them. He stared out at that dirty, disgusting river, finding peace in the flowing waters. 'Be a man.' Eryk flinched as if those words had been daggers stabbing him in the back. But she didn't stop there, no, she wanted to make it really hurt.

Slowly turning he gripped the curtains tightly in his hands as he stared at her in shock. 'You're turning into him!' He wasn't Xavier. He didn't cause people that kind of pain, use people like that. His father had never beat him, his mother hadn't left because she couldn't take the pain of watching her son and husband kill each other. Eryk...he wasn't that man. His hands twisted the rough fabric doing his best not to rip the cloth down, and rampage on her. Instead he took a shaking breath and urned toward the river.

"Damn, you really know how to twist that knife don't you. Stab it right in the heart and twist." His rigid body showed a slight trembling as he controlled himself, as he took rattling breath after breath. Eryk pressed his forehead against the cool glass his knees week beneath him. Gain control. Breathe, and gain control. She's just egging you on. She wants you to "share" or some bull like that. Breathe. At times like this his blind eye muscles twitched like a ticking clock. An eye that Xavier had taken from him. He wasn't Xavier!

"Are you done yet? Or are you going to say call me some other horrible thing? You've made your feelings clear by your words and actions." His back straightened from the sub-conscious hunch he'd curled into. Dropping his hands from the curtains he turned to face her his features as blank and cold as if no happiness dwelled within. "And you ask me how I can fear you. Ha! Course I'm the one giving you the amunition. It's only fair that you use what's given to you."

Fingers trailing over the curtain fabric his face flinched with inner pain. Cerridwen was right though on one certain thing. He couldn't honesty say I love you. Not anymore. Not and mean it. Dreams of marriage, of children, they didn't exist anymore. How could he when he couldn't find love, and he couldn't even take care of Maeleeown? No, that dream was gone. The happily ever after scenario didn't exist, at least, not for him.

[©erridwen Corrigan]

She glared at him as she put her hands on her hips. "Since I started taking care of your sister. Since I started having to play the role of mother to YOUR sister! Eryk! I have been taking care of your sister! After awhile it wears on you! I love her, but...it's awkward Eryk. I'm not even...we can't even be considered a couple. We aren't even considered going out! It's just, ugh." She shook her head. Then an idea hit her. Maeleeown. Praying to herself that it would work, she turned to him with angry eyes. Some how...she hoped he would have enough sense to not believe her, to know she loved Maeleeown with all of her heart and would never touch a hair on that child's head or say a nasty thing about her, let alone give her up to anyone.

Cerridwen shook her head. "Why would I want to keep taking care of her? Really? She's your little sister. SHE is the little beast." Cerridwen rolled her eyes. "If she's related to you, and anything like YOU then there is simply NO hope for her" Cerridwen snarled narrowing her eyes.

Oh how she hoped Eryk wouldn't believe her...and yet she wanted him to. So he would finally let everything he had cooped up out. Let the dam bust open, let everything that is backed up out. Just let it flow. Cerridwen rolled her eyes and flourished a hand in the air as if she didn't care if he heard her. And hopefully Maeleeown would never hear this or anything like this....from anyone, otherwise Cerridwen would take them down. Down to china town. She wouldn't stand for it. Maeleeown was the sweetest, most adorable child ever, and ever mean, harmful thing she said made her heart cringe.

"Maybe I should just put her up for adoption. It's true that you can't take care of her, Nat doesn't want her, I mean me and Minerva realize we don't want her. No one...wants the little beast." Cerridwen said harshly. Turning her back to him now, she could no longer bear to look into his eyes. At least not look into his eyes and keep up this charade. If he saw her own eyes, he would see she was lying, but the way she said it, with so much feeling, so much...passion, he would surely believe her. Hopefully.

"And your right Eryk...I don't want your children. I...wouldn't want a wolf for a child. It would...be an embaressment to our fae race, our society. We would be...be a laughing stalk." Cerridwen said unable to turn and face him.

Stopping with that, Cerridwen looked at the wall crossing her arms over her chest and just held back her own tears. She needed to stay strong, keep this up. Saying that, hearing the words coming from her mouth had broken yet another wall, and she hoped he would never believe her. Ever since she started taking care of Mae she realized she wanted his children, ever since then...at first it had been scary, the thought of being pregnant, and then having to take care of a little life, but the more she was around Maelee, the more she realized she wanted them...them being children just like him...just the same, and with the food she was feeding Mae, she knew she couldn't do it by herself, and there was no one she would rather do it with then Eryk.

If he knew her as well as he had claimed in the past...then he would know she wasn't serious, but the words enough would hopefully be alone to anger him into telling her to shut the hell up, and letting everything out. And she hoped he would start by telling her she wasn't perfect.

[eryk]

He growled dropping the fabric and turning to face her full on. His eye held pain, rage, and something that only belonged in animals. That look that said you will die. "Keep. Her. Out of this." Eryk's voice had that deep edge to it when he got too close to the wolf. Blood like lava flowing through him he clenched his jaw and tighened his fists. She couldn't possibly be serious with what she was saying. Every time he'd seen her with Mae they were so happy together.

"Just because she's related to me doesn't mean she's like me! She's a good girl. A good, sweet girl who got screwed in the family department." This couldn't be true. She didn't mean this. "I don't care if you hate me, hate what I am. But don't you Dare! Don't you dare bring her into this!"

Adoption. No one wants her. "I want her. If you truly don't want her I'll take her. I just...I thought she'd be better with you. She..." His voice shook and pain exploded inside of him. Calling him Xavier had been one thing, but all these things about Maeleeown. His little angel. The little girl who was a mirror image of her mother. "Nat, and I just- we didn't think- I thought. I thought you loved her."

An embarassament. His eyeswere wide in horror at her words. Xavier, Mae, and now this. Everything that could possibly hurt him she was tossing at him. Had she called him hear just to torture him? To bring him as much pain as possible? If she felt this way, why in hell did she say she...loved...him.

"I am who I am! Who are you to say if it's wrong or not? I was born this way, how the hell is that my fault?" Yelling he stormed over to her shaking and eyes burning. "What is this? What the hell? I've seen you with her, seen you love on her. Protect her. She loves you like a mother! How-how could you..."

His trembling hands cover his face as he focused on breathing. In and out, in and out. Doesn't want Mae. Doesn't want his monster children. Doesn't want him. He's Xavier. He's a monster. No hope. The world was spinning and he felt sick. "Cerridwen...why?"

Dropping to his knees he felt like his skin would burst. He groaned wrapping his arms around his waist as his muscles screamed. "No, I won't hurt her. Don't. Please don't." He gasped as a spasm seized his arm bringing out a cry of pain as he fought the change. Being only a half-wolf meant he didn't have the control Rae had. High emotions like this, it could bring on the change. Most times he could fight it, but this hurt so much. Her words just hurt too much. Eryk whimpered curling over into a tighter ball. Random parts of his body spasmed and it felt like claws were raking him from the inside. The wolf wanted out, it wanted out and it wanted her.

"I won't hurt her!" His scream ended with a cry as the wolf gave it one more try. Spine bowing, eyes wide he fell backwards hands ripping at his skin. From her point of view it would look like he was fighting some invisible enemy, an enemy tearing him apart from the inside. He screamed "no" so many times that by the end of it his throat felt raw like he'd just won a glass eating contest. Panting he was covered in scratches, anywhere his nails could reach. But he'd won. Humanoid still his body cried from the battle and he cried because of what caused it.

"Why? Why?! Why? Damn you! Damn you to hell!" Breathing raggid he rolled onto his side and hissed as his scratches met the carpet. "Do you think I want to be this way? To be so depressed, and full of hate? I don't. I want to be happy. I want to love you like you deserve. But I can't help but feel that you don't want me."

One arm hugged his waist while the other hand snaked up to cover his face. "A monster. That's all I'll ever be. Deformed, monster. You're some Fairy Princess, and all I am is the wolf. A pathetic wolf at that." A small wolf with scars. Couldn't heal right, couldn't change like a real lycan. He couldn't even do monster right. "Cerridwen...I can't do anything right. All I can do is hurt you. Hurt Mae. Hurt Nat. Hurt my mother..."

He curled into a fetal position not caring how worthless he appeared. She'd just hurt him so much. "Please...please tell me you didn't mean what you said. About Mae. I don't care if you feel that way about me. Just not Mae. She deserves to be loved." Eryk curled his hands into fists and he struck at the floor over and over.

"How dare you say those things!" Lifting his head he glared at her tears burning the slowly healing scratches. "I'm not Xavier. I don't use people. I've tried damned hard to make you happy. I was trying when you told me to go away!" He gripped his arm squeezing it until the pain made him close his eyes.

"That night I tried to kill myself. I almost succeeded. Sitting here...listening to you."Pausing he choked and swallowed drying to make the saliva sooth his throat. "Say those things. Things I can't believe." He bowed his head clutching his arm. "I wish I had. I wish I wasn't here. Then you could be happy."

Pulling up his knees he wrapped his arms around them wanting to be held, but no one wanted him. No one wanted Mae. No one wanted them. Alone. So very alone. "I've...given you everything I can. What more...do you want from me?"

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Silence. Silence is what he got. After everything, after everything happened, the fight, the yelling, the words of hate, and the truth...there was silence. Cerridwen had been to afraid to turn and see him being attacked. Attacked by an imaginary enemy. The wolf. Naturally, but she didn't want to see. She waited. Patiently. Quietly. Waiting. When everything grew still, and only his heavy breathing could be heard, then she spoke, and she didn't speak words, coated in sugary sweet syrup. It wasn't...going to be that way this time. It couldn't. Tough love? No. But something similar. Turning around slowly on her heels, Cerridwen looked at him, down below her. We've established this..he was not below her. He was beside her, so sinking to her knees in front of him she looked to him.

"This is all I've ever wanted Eryk...the truth." She murmured nodding. How she wanted to reach out and touch him and hold him. Pull him close and tell him it would be alright. Then again it would be alright. Hopefully. "Eryk...never doubt for a minute I don't love you or your sister...I just...wanted you to for once, just get mad. You never get mad at me. I see why, and I know you want to protect me." Cerridwen sighed as she sat on her knees and laid her hands in her lap. She stared into his eyes, trying to make contact, to let him know he wasn't here by himself alone. "I've told you...over and over again I love you...and now I want you to believe it, to at least acknowledge...because after I just said all of those horrible things I'm pretty damn sure I wouldn't love me, nor want to love me either." Cerridwen mumbled looking down.

She was ashamed that she had to sink so low as to get this out of him. "I'm sorry that I had to do it but...almost in a way I'm not...Eryk this is what I've wanted. For you. To break to yell at me." She nodded. "It makes you seem like an actual person again, not just...some robot." Cerridwen agreed.

her arms shaking as she restrained them back, she looked down. "I would...touch you, kiss you but, I'm sick...and I don't want to risk you getting sick..." Cerridwen murmured covering her mouth with her hands and coughing a small cough, trying to hold it back. She shook her head. "And like I said...I wouldn't want to kiss me either. I just said horrible things, and I wouldn't...I mean Eryk my heart tore. If I could tell you how much I love Maelee..." She whispered "My Mae-bee..." She whispered. "My little Mae-bee..." Almost as if she longed for her, to hold to cuddle, she said it with such longing. "She really...did make me realize I want children, and you...and she made me realize I want your children Eryk. This isn't even about that, she made me realize how much I miss you...she's so much like you..." Cerridwen uttered.

"Don't make me...please don't make me have to do something like that again...and if you want me to leave, or if you want to leave, Nat told me you didn't want the whole freedom thing but I can't just put you on a leash again. That only made things worse, and I can't give you rules, or boundaries." Cerridwen finally explained letting her hand reach out and finally brush his cheek before pulling back.

"Please...just please don't be afraid. If I cause you harm then leave me. I don't want to cause you harm. Not ever." She whispered. She felt bad. Putting him first through hot water, and now...cool...hot, cold hot cold, she felt bad but...it had to be done. Now she was finished. Officially finished.

[eryk]

Arms around himself, holding himself together, from falling completely apart he listened. As she admitted to lying about those things a spurt of anger made his stomach muscles spasm again. Wincing he buried his face breathing deeply. His arms tightened as he silently pleaded with the wolf to not do it again. Sniffling he lifted his head enough to look at her. "I'm sorry."

Sorry for not being able to control the wolf. Sorry for crying like a weakling. Sorry for causing you pain. Sorry for being a monster. Sorry for being a robot. Sorry for not believing in you. How he wanted to say all of that, but all that came out was..."I'm so sorry."

So it had been the fact that she had wanted him to break. To flip out. Well, he had, and now she saw why it was risky for him to do so. Almost evertime he'd ever gotten mad at her he'd been able to run off into the woods. Not this time. This time the deal had been to stay the whole night within this hotel. Course Nat had let him know that if they wanted to stay another night all Eryk had to do was say the word. But he honestly could see him wanting to stay another night. One night was pushing it enough. He really hoped the whole night wasn't going to be spent prodding him to see what would make him go boom.

"Mae-bee..." Eryk whispered resting his cheek against his already scabbed over arm. He continued to listen his eyes widening a bit as she admitted she wanted his children. Eyes going dark he winced and propped his chin in a way so that he wasn't looking at her. "I don't want children...not anymore."

His voice still rang with pain as he spoke softly eyes burning once again. As she touched his cheek though he tried to restrain it he flinched. Just around the eyes he flinched at her touch. Chest heaving with a sharp intake of breath his darted to hers. He wanted to be somewhere dark, somewhere soft, he wanted a bed. Or to be out in the forest. Or...anywhere but there.

High in the mountain a grey wolf dwelled, safe from what other's might say or do. Safe from words like monster. High in the mountains that grey wolf came thinking he'd found love. Only to have his heart ripped to shreds. Up into that mountain he fled but that mountain he'd so dearly loved had crumbled. He'd have to build it up again after tonight, but what she was asking- asking to tell the truth. To do that the mountain would have to stay a pile of pebbles. But could he live in sand?

"I want to leave." Eryk stopped looking away again, but not standing to go. "There had to of been another way to get me to talk. Than to hurt me like that. You...can't imagine how much that ripped at my heart. It might've hurt you..." Pain, pain, pain. Cause her pain. "Nevermind. I-I can't do this. I-"

Wanting to scream he curled in on himself again beginning to rock. "Dammit, Cerridwen I want to hurt you. I mean seriously hurt you." He growled into his lap the rocking increasing in speed. "I want to make you cry, and scream. I-I-No." He jerked his head upwards tears falling eyes screaming. Complete terror was in his eyes. The words he spoke were truth. He wanted her in pain. He wanted to hurt her, make her whimper, and cry, and beg for mercy.

"No. I-I N-N-no. This isn't right. This can't..." Eryk's eyes were too wide his hands slipping to either side of his head. Horror filled his features, tensed his body. "I'm him. You're right. I'm him." He screamed hands gripping his hair as he rocked into his knees. Over and over he chanted. "I'm him. I'm him. I'm him."

I want to hurt her. Really hurt her. I won't hurt her. I don't- I want. I don't. I want to. No! Shaking his head violently he wrapped his arms under his thigh to press his face into his lap.

"I don't want to. I love you. I love you. No more pain. No more. I don't. I want to. I don't!" Pain. Pain. Pain. "No! I love her! I. Love. Cerridwen!"

Then nothing. Silence. Nothing but his hargard breathing. Minutes passed as he clutched at his body small spasms making him gasp. Finally..."I love her."

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Cerridwen watched this, pain, heartache and horror filling her insides. She had caused this. This monster was because of her and Cerridwen could only look away. "Eryk...I"m sorry" She uttered between his screaming. She did this to him. She did this...caused this creature to come out and attack Eryk. All his hurt, his pain, was because of her. "Don't love me, please, don't, I don't want it to hurt you" She felt sick. Cerridwen felt so sick, as if she were going to vomit and that would be bad. She just did. Everything that had happened, she now saw was because of her. How could this be? She though-- She had...

Cerridwen winced as he basically wrestled with himself over her. Why was he doing this? Did he love her that much that he was willing to go through...such pain?

She was crazy. Crazy to hurt him like this. She had been crazy to let him go. She had been...simply insane. "Eryk..." She uttered her voice croaking and hoarse. "I'm so sorry...I'm crazy...I love you. You know I do I just can't make sense of any of this. The fact that you've gone through all of this...pain, this hurt and yet you still love me, and you come back, and you put up with my bull, it's...I'm so so sorry" She uttered. Tears. There were no more tears to cry. She had done the crying thing, it had come and gone, but she could wince and feel and know that she was the guilty one. "This is my fault, Eryk...let me take the blame." Cerridwen asked.

"I want this...I want the blame..." She whispered and then everything grew silent, and he laid there.

Had Cerridwen just...killed him? Had his heart exploded? Did it just give in and give up, and just fall and die. Was it because of her? Of course it was because of her, but how would she tell her Mae-Bee that she killed--

What?!?

"Eryk...I...I know you know how I feel." She murmured. Screw giving him a cold. "I know how you feel, you wouldn't do something like this if you didn't you'd let the wolf take me and you'd not react like that if you didn't care" She uttered moving to him. Her touch, she knew he loved it...Cerridwen knew because it was the same way she felt, when she felt his hands on her skin, his lips upon her moon-kissed skin.

Cerridwen hurried to him, to help him, hold him. She would baby him, coo over him, she would cook, clean and paint for him. Carefully lifting his upper torso up, Cerridwen kissed the top of his head. "Just relax...don't try to move...alright?" She whispered. "If you need anything tell me..please, let me get it for you" Cerridwen uttered, her voice so full of worry, so full of anxiety, over him, for him. Eryk.

[eryk]

As she uncurled him and pulled him into her lap he at first stiffened but evntually her words soothed him. He slipped his arms around her waist and turned his face into her leg. Fear trickled down his spine cool a ice as he envisioned the wolf pacing. Watching her, liking this touch, so close to her. Hurt her. Touching, so close. Hurt her. He whimpered his arms tightening around her. The wolf and him had come to terms while in the woods. Everything had seemed at peace between them. That was when the wolf thought the fairy girl was out of the equation. Eryk knew that now. But if a part of him, such a big part of him wanted to hurt her. Hated her. Then...he hated her.

"No." Eryk couldn't breathe right but she wanted truth. Lifting his body he shook as he propped himself on his arms. "I hate you. I want to hurt you. Pain. I want to hurt you." He choked on the words and ended up coughing. His body was slighly curled his bangs hanging lose. "Such a large part of me. Hates you, wants to hurt you. I-I can't ignore that, Cerridwen."

Two halves in one body. A wolf who wanted her to scream as it's claws ravaged her body. The other wanting to wrap her in clouds and love. In the middle was a scared little boy cowering under the weight of it all. "You're so perfect. So beautiful. So kind. So understanding. So very full of love. I'm not like that." Lifting a hand he touched her thigh. Mesmerized by it he fell silent as he trailed his fingers over her leg. Everything had disappeared. The emotions, the fear, everything. He sighed and lowered himself down wrapping his arms around her again. Everything remained gone. It confused the hell out of him but there was peace. If he just concnetrated on her there was peace. To just let things be.

"Love. Love. Oh, how I love you." Breathing her in, touching her, hand playing along her thigh he sighed. "Love, angel of mine. Again you save me from the darkness of my mind." It was like all those months ago back whn he'd thought he'd found happiness. When he spoke pretty words and meant them. Where had this come from? The fear that he hated her. The fear that if he acceped that then she wouldn't be part of him anymore. To think that...to not be able to touch her ever again.

"It scared me. To think I hate you. To lose you. But that means. Because I was afraid. That I do love you." He whispered eyes soft as he watched the wolf lay down tail wagging. What the hell? "The wolf is happy now. Odd." He took a deep breath again and found peace. This sudden peace scared him. It wasn't natural, or like him. Closing his eyes he thought and realized it was still there. That hate, but he didn't know what to do with it. So instead he chose to love her.

"Cerri, I'm still...I'm still scared. There is hate inside of me. I can feel it like a bad taste in my mouth. I...I don't want it." Eryk felt the first wave of those emotions again and he whimpered burying his face into her. "I love her. I love her. I love you. Damn how much I love you. Don't make me leave again. Please. I'm begging you." Love. Love. Love. "Love. Love. No more pain. Damn I'm so fucked up." Laughing with silent tears he continued to whisper...."Love...love...love..."

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Through his words she held to him as if there were no tomorrow. He hated her. Wanted to cause her pain, and that was okay. Okay with her, it was okay to want to feel that. She had hurt him in so many ways, making him do things, and choosing, and things he probably didn't want to do. She deserved it, she would take it. She would take it because Cerridwen loved Eryk. With everything she had. "Eryk stop arguing...just do it if you must. Let me for once be your rag doll" She uttered. She was afraid, she would be, Cerridwen wasn't use to abuse, but this wouldn't be called abuse. It would be called...something else? Only for Eryk though...only for Eryk.

Cerridwen held to him tightly letting him hold to her, as she held back, rocking with him gently. He had said he hated her, and she tried not to let that phase her, not let that affect her at all. Followed by that minor spurt of anger were...words of kindness. Love. Compliments that could only feel so good when coming from him. They made her feel...the small warm and fuzzies, only causing her to lean down and kiss his head, stroking it softly. "Shhh" She whispered. "Just relax...Please...just relax" She whispered.

"No." She whispered finally. "I didn't save you...you saved yourself. I was just here...to help, to be your cheering section...Eryk you did that yourself." She whispered letting her fingers run over every part of skin she could get too. "That's how strong you are...you are not weak. Certainly not" She murmured into his hair holding him close to her now. "You've saved me, and I've saved you, many times, but this was not one of those times my love." She whispered. "This was entirely you and I couldn't have been more proud of you." She promised nodding her head against his, letting him know she knew it. Acknowledged it, saw it. He was not little. He was not weak. He was not the runt of the pack.

"I'm scared..I was scared." She admitted "we can be scared together...but we'll figure it out together...I promise. I won't leave you. Nor will I ever send you away. Never again" She promised. "Together. We'll figure it out." She hoped as she reached for his hand, wanting to lace her fingers with his, at least one hand, and hold it, hold him so close to her.

"Eryk that hate is always going to be there. Hate is in me. It's in Maeleeown, it's in Minerva, we all have things we hate. It's alright. Don't be afraid. Don't let it scare you. Your strong remember? Don't let it scare you at all." She soothed, well tried to. If he chose to listen to her or not was up to him. She murmured the word love with him for a few minutes more before growing silence.

"Never again will I send you away. Never. And your not messed up. We're just...two people who were meant to be together, there is a reason we're so torn up and upset when we fight...ti's because we're meant to be together. That is the reason you know." Cerridwen nodded. She couldn't find anything to say more, so she grew silent, rocking with him, holding him hoping for them.

[eryk]

She called him strong when he felt so weak, so small. He would never qualify himself as strong. He'd tried so hard to be strong for her, but maybe it was okay just to be weak. Shifting his legs he curled around her legs one hand resting on her leg. It was peace, he still felt pain, he still felt fear, but there was something else there. Something he couldn't feel when that, whatever it was, had been in place. It had kept her out. Sighing he sagged feeling all those emotions tumble through him, but oddly it was alright.

It disturbed him that he still wanted to hurt her. Pain still rang its song in his mind. Her fingers interlaced with his and he stared. Such lovely, slender, loving hands. Hands that grew beauty, that soothed his demons. Holding that hand, breathing in her scent, he let it go. "If you ever pull that shit on me again I swear to anything that is holy I'll hurt you." Eryk whispered eyes closed as his head rested on her lap. "I don't see myself being able to take that again, love. So, next time? Find a different way. I beg you."

He pulled her hand close and kissed it. Could he take this honesty? Could this actually work this time? Not at all sure he held her hand close to his face breathing her in. Touch, and scent he was such a dog. That thought made him smile which she could probably feel with her hand. If she pulled anymore of this stuff tonight he'd lose hs mind. He was already on the edge, shakey, and overly tired. Blinking he lifted himself until he was eye level with her. Her eyes, her red nose, her cheeks, he took everything in. Her lips. He smiled a weak smile before bowing his head. Do we really need to think about that now? I'm emotionally exhausted in the span of twety minutes or so. His body seemed to laugh at him. Stupid male genes. Shaking his head he pulled away from her to sit back on his heels.

"Okay, so...I'm...I've never been all that stable. And after that little episode?" He gave a sad laugh rubbing the back of his head. "I'm more than a little tired. I'll sleep on the couch." Pausing Eryk glanced up at her. "If you want, and you can have the bed. I'm really sorry, but, love? I'm thinking make up sex will have to wait." He threw up his hands in a hold it kind of move. "Now I know how much you love making hot monkey love, but Princess. Truly, I can't take anything else tonight."

Sagging he rubbed a hand over his face the other reaching for her hand hesitantly. Her touch was keeping him anchored he knew that, but so what. Wolves liked contact. "Love." He smiled again staring down at their hands. So very scared but so very in love.

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Cerridwen couldn't help but let a small smile come to her lips. "I only do it because I care" She promised kissing his head again softly, and indeed she felt his small smile in her hand. "Mmm your to much sometimes. I do love you" She whispered. There was peace. At least for now, real, genuine peace. Stroking his head softly, Cerridwen sighed. "You need to learn to tell me to shut up though..." She sighed and rested her head against him for a minute in silence as she began thinking about him and her...and them together. This was...really good. Tonight had been a mile stone in their relationship, and she would certainly remember it for ever. She had seen the truth, she had gotten all of her negativity out of her system for now, and she had broken barriers with Eryk. Got all of that cooped up anger and rage out at least for now. Who was she to say or claim to know if it would come back?

As he stood, Cerridwen took his hand and stood with him. They were...talking about sleeping now. Well good. Because Eryk didn't look so well. Though at him taking the couch, she refused. "Love...I'll be brutally honest with you...you look like...well like you need the bed. I'll take the couch. It's fine for me. I've been up the last few nights anyways. This...damned cold has me up, and sometimes in the bathroom running the hot water and using the steam to help make me feel better and clear my head and throat and such" Cerridwen nodded.

"So if you hear the water running...heads up." Cerridwen murmured. "And I hope I didn't get you sick.." She whispered nodding.

At his talk about sex, her eyes went wide, and a smile appeared. "You make it seem like I'M the one who ALWAYS engages and freaking...rapes you!" She shook her head. "Fine." She shrugged Unbuttoning her shirt and leaving it open she shrugged. "I'll remember that...next time you want sex, I'll just deny you." Cerridwen promised only teasing.

She was stunned. Stunned he had said that. It had made her laugh but just in a stunned way. "Eryk. Davidson" She said her eyes wide and a smile still on her face. "You...you think I care about...Make-up sex? Really? How shallow am I?" She asked shaking her head. "Like I said. Fine. Next time you want this...I think the wolf can wait" She said walking up to him, pressing herself against him and smiling. "Good night Eryk..." She grinned kissing his neck. "I'll see you in the morning..." She murmured grinning now and turned and went to lay herself on the couch.

Cerridwen was cruel. She still couldn't believe he had said that though. It made her laugh. Laughing was good.

[eryk]

She was going to sleep on the couch. In a rush he felt himself retreating inside himself, it was so fast his hand flew to his chest. No, no, no. She's sick. She doesn't want to keep me up. Stop it. "Girls, are supposed to have the bed. I'll sleep on the couch." Her cold had him worried; he didn't remember her getting this sick the last winter they had together.

"Don't worry about me. I don't get sick very easily. I think it has something to do with increased healing or something." He waved his hand trying to make her see what he wanted. Well, it was honesty time...maybe just telling her might work. Biting his lip he was just about to tell her what he wanted when she unbuttoned her shirt. Eyes turning into suns he openly stared at her. Then she was pressed up against him and he really regretted saying no. Just as his arms were about to slip around her she was gone. It was like someone was tossing him from the hot sauna to the cool swimming pool. His neck was one of the few places still on fire, among other, lower things.

Gulping he bit his bottom lip again watching her like a ravenous wolf as she walked over to lay down. As she walked over to do so he moved over to her in a flash putting himself between her and the sofa. "Oh, delicate flower you quicken me. Please don't tease. Not tonight." Eryk whispered stepping close to her eyes scoring over her body. He stopped his eyes closing, his throat closing as he swallowed. "You're so amazingly breathtaking." One blue eye one milky one open to gaze at her.

"I-I, uh, um," Coughing he looked away his hand going to the back of his head again. "I-I'll take the couch. Y-you t-take the bed." Where had the stuttering come from? Was he truly that shakey right now? Cheek burning he turned away from her not trusting his control. Her body, her eyes, her hair. Even when she was sick she took his breath away. Pain. His eyes went wide then his arms hugged his stomach. No... Shaking his head he started for the deep, chocolate brown couch. Oh, how he longed to wrap his arms around her, to fall asleep with her in his arms. It had been months. "Nice...couch..." He sighed staring at the soft cushions as if they were a pile of cow dung.

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Cerridwen watched him. "If...if your sure." She murmured. "Alright..." She said. He didn't get sick? Lies. Lies. Lies. Maybe not physically...but mentally he sure did. Shrugging it off Cerridwen nodded. "Alright..but if you get sick, I get full rights to baby you and treat you like a prince." Cerridwen teased reaching out now to stroke his hair out of his face, clearly a loving gesture that she would do.

Cerridwen grinned as she turned around, her hair lifting as she twirled and then lowered back into place. Stopping to face him, she grinned. "I am not teasing you...merely a cat playing with it's mouse. Cerridwen didn't understand WHY he was being...so unresponsive, but to each his own she guessed. Cerridwen just watched him with her eyes, a small amused smile playing upon her lips. "Whatever you want Eryk...whatever you want" She sighed still smiling and shrugged. "I guess I culd sleep alone on the bed...since you don't want to be near me...but I might get cold, or lonely, or even both..." Cerridwen mused.

"Should..I call Nat to take care of me?" Cerridwen mused outloud being mean again. Eryk and her both knew there was no chance in hell of Nat sleeping with Cerridwen, though it was a funny thought.

"no...no I'll just be by myself. Sweet dreams love" She murmured leaning down to kiss his forehead and going over to her bed where she had planned to sleep. Why he wasn't coming with her, and why they weren't already engaged in Grade-A make-up sex was beyond her, but whatever. Cerridwen climbed onto the soft mattress and sat there for a minute. "Do you need any blankets? Covers?" She asked finally. "Even a nice normal pillow?" She questioned, now just caring and wanting to make sure he was comfortable.