Drown me in the ocean.:.Eryk

[eryk]

There he was talking to himself telling himself he couldn't leave, wanted to leave, wouldn't leave. Then she came and told him to go. She came told him to leave and walked away. He lifted his head when she started talking and eyes wide dripping with fear he stayed in silence. One second there the next gone. Where was she going? What was she saying? This wasn't happening. He went to the bathroom door his hand going to the frame as he watched her walk away. How did this happen?

"Cerridwen? I- what's going on?" He stepped into the shadows of the hallway. The light of the bathroom lighting only his milky eye and torn ear. The unruined part drenched in shadows, while the real him was alit in harsh light. "Cerridwen! What are you talking about? I'm not leaving. I-" He was lost for words. Had she heard him? What that it? "Cerri, I'm here. I'm here now. Why-why did you say that?" The wolf whimpered inside him and his heart backed away. Backed into hits cage again.

Eryk pulled his arms in to cover his face momentarily. He had to calm himself, pull himself together. "I don't understand where this is coming from. Cerri, I-I don't know what else to do to make you happy." His hands dropped and he started down the hall toward her. What more did she want from him?

"I'm here. I came back. I'm not leaving! I made you a dinner fit for a damned king. I smile, I kiss, I speak sweetly. I brought you gifts. I speak only of you. I'm not leaning on you! There's no Xavier. There's no father. Why are you doing this?" He yelled knowing his sister was no way asleep. Everything, everything was for her. Yet she was pushing him away. He didn't-he just didn't understand. Mae peeked out from her room and whatever she saw on his face scared her enough to slam the door shut. His own sister feared him, and the love he'd changed so muh for didn't want him.

"Fine." Brushing past her he jogged down the stairs. "Don't wait. I'm gone." His chest burned and his skin tingled with the current that was the change. She didn't want him. She never wanted him. She was finally free of him, and his never ending baggage. When he reached the cool night air he tilted back his head and stared at the stars. "I love you. Why...why can I never be enough..." Not caring who saw he shed his shirt revealing the secret he'd held inside. Cuts littered his entire body. Cuts and claw marks. He held his breath waiting, hoping. Come out. Follow me. Please. Don't let this be the end. Even though his skin burned and itched with the need to change he waited. He had to believe she loved him. Otherwise...what was the point.

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Cerridwen moved, moved towards Mae's door. She hoped he would understand, hoped he would get it. Why. Why was his mother following her, going into her dreams but not into her own son's. Why? Cerridwen looked to Mae, poking her head out. Taking a deep breathe, just as Lilyandra did, she inhaled and exhaled deeply, a similar fashion and moved towards Mae's door. Slipping in, she left Eryk be, as he screamed like a child. This mother would tend to the quite child first...then deal with the upset one. "Maeleeown..." Cerridwen whispered using her full name, something she doesn't do, nor will ever after this. "Have faith in me...have faith in my actions and my words.." She whispered kneeling down to face the girl who was at her door, a look that had been upon Cerridwen's face when she was alone, when she was in that forest, deep within, no one to help her.

"Breathe in...breathe out..." She whispered and kissed her head softly. "Go lay down...I'll be back in a bit..."Cerridwen nodded. She had things under control She could do this. SHe knew she could. It was a matter of calming Eryk down. Letting the sweet girl be, Cerridwen watched her for a minute more and then turned to leave, cracking the door, letting the light shine in, more in hopes to let the girl know there was still light...even if it was small there still could be hope.

Eryk. Please. Please don't do this. Don't hurt me. Don't yell. Don't scream. Just...do as I say.

Cerridwen hurried down the stairs, going out into the snow. She was barefoot, cold, but right now that wasn't important. Right now was...his time. His time to be talked to, cared for, calmed. "Eryk."Cerridwen said calmly. "I do love you. Love you enough to let you free. You'll come back." She stated "And when you do...I'll be here waiting. I love you...so much that I have faith. That you'll come back when your ready Eryk. You need to be let free...before you can love me. Truly love me." She nodded. "ERyk...most of all...to love me...to really truly love me...you have to make yourself happy." She nodded.

Cerridwen watched him, his shirt, his scars, the marks, she looked to him. "Take that...take those scars, and take those wounds. Let them heal Eryk The ones on the outside...and especially the ones on the inside." She nodded. "I was told to let you go...to let you free and that you'd come back! Eryk...she's, she told me and I think I'm going to listen..." She murmured, how she longed to reach out and forget this and tell him it was okay, that he didn't have to do this...but he did. She needed to do this. For both of them.

Maeleeown was included now. She needed to do this for them all.

One day she would explain to him, but tonight wasn't that one day. "Eryk....if you knew the love I had for you...then you would do this. You would understand my words. If you understood...then we wouldn't be here right now." Cerridwen said. "But to really love me, you need to understand what I'm saying." Cerridwen looked to the snow, her feet were cold, not numb. Just cold. Looking up, she smiled. "Take my hand...and just hold it." She said finally taking a step closer. "Tell me what you feel..." She murmured raising her hand.

She remembered, how Lilyandra had taken her hand, her emotion, her senses, everything had become...so calm, so relaxed and she could think clearly. Lets find out what happened when she did this with Eryk. One thing was for sure...it wouldn't be relaxed and it wouldn't be calm.

[eryk]

She'd come only to end it. He felt it in his heart. Like the gillotine on their relationship. Staring at his shirt in his hands he felt like he was falling and knew there was no one at the bottom. She sounded so calm, so sure. Where had she gotten this bull. His hands curled into fists but he remained calm this time he didn't yell he didn't scream.

"You just don't get it do you. You're the only thing that makes me happy." He slipped the shirt back on at her words about his scars and started walking. Away. Away from her. Away from them. "Cerridwen, I won't be coming back this time." Eryk turned rage filling his eyes. "Go on with you life. I tried. To come back. I tried to be what you wanted. But you don't trust me. You don't want me. You sure as hell don't love me." His voice was cold, numb, dead as he spoke his heart lay still in his chest. As if it had never beat before. The one that felt, not the one that beat rage through his veins like poison.

"Whoever told you to let go was wrong. Holding on...holding on was what I wanted. To hold you." His back faced her again his eyes on the forest. "To let you rely on me for once. Instead...instead you try to coddle me. At her request he turned and stared at her his jaw dropped. Then his eyes bled to amber and he stood shaking with the force of the change ripping at him to be free.

"No. You pushed me away, Cerridwen. You don't just get to change your damn mind. You either want me or not. You've made it clear for a long time. Over and over. You don't want me. You want the idea of me, and damned if I've tried to meet that idea." His shaking hand covered his eyes and he started for the forest. "I promised not to leave. Not unless you asked me to. I'm leaving. Good-bye. Thank you for killing my love."

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Cerridwen pulled her arm back. How had it hurt this much? She was doing...doing what she knew was right. What she knew she had to do. Looking to him she nodded. "Eryk..you'll come back." She whispered. When the time was right. When there was at last peace within...he would come back.

Cerridwen shook her head. No tears fell. This time, this time was different from any other time, this time she was at peace. Within as well as out. She was at peace.

This...this thing before her wasn't her Eryk. He wasn't her love. She loved Eryk. "I love...Eryk." She murmured. She didn't say you. She didn't say it. him, nothing. She said his name, and that was who she loved. No one else. Cerridwen watched him, for a minute she just watched. This Eryk, this was not her Eryk, this Eryk was blaming her, blaming her for killing his love. Her Eryk wouldn't blame her. He wouldn't be like this. This was not him. Sure people changed, but love, love stayed the same. It was always there. Her love her love had been the same, always would be. If you were really in love with someone, really truly, then love would not change like this.

Cerridwen nodded. She was sorry he felt that way, that this was her fault. She was sorry to hear that, but when he was at peace with himself, then maybe, hopefully, as she had been promised, he would come back. Oh if only he knew who told her this...this as he probably referred to it as 'crap' how if he could just...no. He couldn't know. This...was her secret.

Secret.

Cerridwen returned inside and went up to Mae's room. "Mae..." She whispered, even after Eryk could leave like that. If he stayed, if he left that was up to him, she had other things she needed to do. "How about...you and I go build a snowman. Right now." Whispered slipping into the girl's room a small soft smile. She had hoped, Mae did as she had been told, to breathe in and out...calmly. Relaxed. She loved Mae. Very much so.

[eryk]

Eryk gave himself over to the wolf and he ran. He ran through the trees the dead undergrowth ripping at his fur and face. He'd heard her last words and he didn't understand them. But he didn't need to understand her anymore. He didn't need to do anything for her anymore. He didn't need her anymore. He was what she wanted, free. Howling long and loud he ran toward the darkness. His blessed darkness.

Mae cried and cried as she stood in the kitchen watching the scene play out. He was leaving, and this time he says he wasn't coming back. Why was Cerridwen doing this? Why was Eryk acting this way? Grown ups were stupid! Sobbing she ran to her room and threw herself onto her bed. Her fist flew hitting the pillows over and over. She screamed and kicked and threw a fit as she lost her family, again.

When Cerridwen came to her room wanting to build a snowman Mae cried and threw things at her. She screamed and cried and threw anything her tiny hands could get on. Until al lthe energy was gone and she fell to her rump crying and crying jerking off the butterfly necklace her brother had gotten her. Everything was ruined.

"Why? Why does it always have to be like this? Why did you do that? Why did Eryk leave?" Mae sobbed wanting her father, wanting her mother. Wanting someone to love her that wouldn't turn away. That wouldn't do stupid things. Grown ups were just so stupid. "You love him, he loves you why can't you just be happy! Why?" The little girl rolled onto her stomach sobbing into the floor. She didn't understand anything. She just wanted her family back.

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Mae. Mae. To tell or not to tell? Cerridwen took a deep breathe and glided across the floor. Tonight she felt older, more...more just older. She couldn't really put a word to it. Her vocabulary wasn't that amazing. Right now...she was feeling more like Lilyandra and less like herself...how she felt this way she didn't know.

THe girl, the little girl laying on her stomach was in Cerridwen's care. Her responsibility, and with that, she sat on the ground, pulling Mae into her lap. The throwing of things had ceased and now she was crying. Cerridwen't couldn't do anything but hold her, hold her and to breathe, in and out, calmly. Rocking with her she let her cry.

Her mother had always let her cry, to let it out, let everything out, Mae needed to let it all out. She was just a girl...a little girl who shouldn't be put through this. Really. It was all very much ridiculous. "I love him very much Mae..." Cerridwen said finally coming to a slow soothing rock. "I was told...to do this. It wasn't by choice...if you understood...any of this, then..maybe it would be different...she told me too...she...told me to let him free in time he would come back. Someone...who know's Eryk very well." Cerridwen whispered stroking her head carefully.

Taking a deep sigh Cerridwen shrugged.

"Your mother." She said finally.

[eryk]

Mae cried like her world had ended her chest heaving, tears streaming, and snot flowing like the Nile out of her nose. But Cerridwen just stayed with her, and held her. Mae's tears finally slowed and she shifted climbing into Cerridwen's lap.

"I want everyone happy. Why does he have to leave to be happy? Can't he stay? Stupid boys..." She grabbed Cerri's hand wanting to be held and to hold. The little girl didn't act at all surprised by Cerridwen's confession. Many times had the little girl dreamed of her mother when she needed her most.

"But why would Momma want him to leave?" Trying to understand she lay her head on Cerridwen hiccuping, and sniffling. "You stay, but he always leaves. Why does he leave..." She started crying all over again. "Why doesn't, Rykkie stay? Why can't we be a family?"

Maelee buried her face into Cerridwen thinking that Eryk just didn't want them anymore. Like an old used up toy tossed aside.

[©erridwen Corrigan]

Cerridwen sighed and shook her head. "Shhh" She whispered. "If I knew...if I knew...if only I knew...then I would tell you but I really don't know..." Cerridwen admitted and sighed. "Maybe you can talk to her then...She doesn't like me very much, and though I got this feeling she did, that she wanted me to do this, I just...I don't know, I doubt my choice deep down...and hope I made the right one..."Cerridwen and kissed the top of her head.

When she calmed down Cerridwen breathed easily.

"I didn't mean to scare you and he still loves you...very very much. Don't ever let anyone else tell you different alright? No one at school...no one around here, not even your father alright?" She whispered.

With that, Cerridwen began rocking with her again slowly. "we'll be a family soon...I promise.." She murmured "He'll...I hope come back soon. I don't know how long but he'll come back...your mother said he would, and I trust her. He left because he needs to find his own happiness before he can give other's happiness..."CErridwen whispered. "He wasn't happy, I wasn't happy...we just weren't happy Mae-bee...and if we're not happy...it's going to be slightly hard to be a family don't you think" She whispered. "So...lets give him a chance to find his own...hmm? ARe you okay with that?" Cerridwen asked softly stopping to look into the eyes of the beautiful angelic seven year old.

[eryk]

The constant rocking, the soothing words slowly, but most assuredly put the small girl to sleep. Face still wet from tears and snot she gripped Cerridwen's hand like a life line. Her mind filled with her mother, angels, and thoughts of a family. Someday she wouldn't feel so lost, so broken. Someday Eryk would come back. Even if it didn't mean he came back for the reasons they wanted.

The little blond haired seven year old murmured in her sleep her eyes moving from her dreams. Innocence embodied lay asleep in Cerridwen's caring arms. If they only knew that a wolf lay in the darkness wishing for his heart to stop hurting. If they only knew how much he prayed for his eyes to never open again. If they only knew that he would never come home because that heart was broken. He'd given up. There was nothing left. If they only knew maybe...just maybe they wouldn't be dreaming of angels.

Darkness came that night and took that heart away.