The silence that needs to be filled. {Tristan}

[✿ngela wingrose]

_{Let's just continue Nom Nom Nom here?}

"We're still friends, right?" Angela asked hesitantly, because she truly didn't know the answer. And what kind of friends would they be? Surely not the kind Angela called when she was upset, or the kind she'd bully into going to a party with her. She couldn't see him turning into just some guy, when for such a long time he'd been the guy.

But now Angela had a new 'THE' in her life, one who had once been a 'some' and even at times an 'a'. Kennedy Cavan was now the boy, turning Tristan into a 'THAT'.

Her mind was beginning to confuse her. She wondered... what would Tristan do if he thought she was happy? She knew he was the kind of guy that would step back so he wouldn't get in the way. He was noble like that. But for all Angela knew, he just really didn't like her and being away from her was pure bliss for him. But, she let her mind wander and she allowed her heart to wish. If he did care for her, and if she wasn't happy being with Kennedy, would he do something about it?

Caught up in her fantasies of alternate universes, Angela didn't see the cord on the ground that was set up for holiday decor. It was attached to a store and lit up a line of electronic pumpkins in the store window, but Angela's boot tip stopped her from going any further and she instinctively grabbed onto Tristan's arm. It felt natural, to fall on him, to lean on him for support, and she even clung to his sleeve a little longer so she could unhook her high heel from the snake-like wires. The contact of her un-gloved hand on his jacket sent an electric shock through her. Even if it hadn't been skin, her body recognized him for some reason. It made her want to hold him and cry and tell him that she still loved him and always would.

Instead she released his sleeve and brushed back some hair that had fallen out of place.

"Sorry," she murmured, pink colouring her cheeks.

[Tristan Marcus Dell]

Tristan was sure that she had tripped on that stupid cord just to torture him. She had probably seen it the whole time. Hell, she had probably planted it there herself. He caught her by the waist to keep her from falling, but he let go as soon as he was sure he had her balance. Oh man, he would have killed to be able to swoop her up and joke about how she was just looking for an excuse to hold on to him, but he wasn’t allowed to do that any more. He gave up that privilege the moment he walked out her front door.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly as he let her go.

Friends. She wanted to know if they were still friends. How could you still be friends with someone if you were never friends with them to begin with? It was like he had said to his brother; he didn’t know how to be friends with Angela. He had liked her from the first time he met her.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he told her, shoving his hands deeper into his jacket pockets.

Friends. The real F word…

[✿ngela wingrose]

Angela offered him a sheepish smile, to let him know that she was sorry, but that it hadn't been unpleasant for her. The look on his face made her smile disappear though; he didn't look very happy. Stupid, stupid wire.

As they walked on, Angela with bated breath for his answer, she cringed when she saw the hands sink lower in his pockets. His words made her stomach plummet.

"So uhm..." what does that mean?? "So we just don't see each other?" Her voice was very, very small, "Ever?"

He really didn't want to see her again. Did he hate her so much? Her fantasies were turning into the most hideous realities. Was being this close to her hurting him so much?

Stupid, stupid wire!

Speaking was impossible, her throat was constricted and she was trying really hard not to cry. Crying was not going to solve anything. She was grown-up now, adults didn't cry. Angela couldn't look at him. He reminded her of everything beautiful they'd once had, and everything beautiful she'd never have again with him. He truly, genuinely really hated her. A silent, ragged breath puffed out into the chilly air.

"I-I..." She had started, but the shakiness of her voice was giving away how upset she was, and she couldn't continue. And she still couldn't look at him.

[Tristan Marcus Dell]

She was getting upset. Oh God, why did she have to get upset? She was the one who had moved on to someone else, so why did it matter if she had Tristan around? Shouldn’t she have been happy to get rid of him?

He sighed and stopped walking. The thought of not seeing Angela at all killed him probably more than it did her. At least she had someone to run to. When Tristan made Angela his life, he lost that luxury, which was why he was let with nothing now. It was his own doing.

“I can’t be your friend, Angela,” he confessed. “I don’t know how to be your friend. I’m sorry, I know you’re happy, but I can’t watch you be with someone who has everything I never should have let go of in the first place.”

He wasn’t going to tell her that. He was just going to let her go on her merry little way with her merry little boyfriend and hope that he would eventually get over it. But something made him spill, and he was sure he’d regret it the moment the words flew out of his mouth.

[✿ngela wingrose]

"I... you... what?"

It was so surreal. Those were the words she'd been hoping to hear, and dreading to hear, and dreaming of hearing... She had wanted so desperately to know he loved her. To know she wasn't something repulsive to him and to know that he was still the same Tristan she had known from that very first night in the Common Room together. She had never felt so judged and hated before, and now that she knew it wasn't true, a wave of relief washed over her.

But that wave brought with it so many other complications. He still loved her, but there was nothing either of them could do with that love. There was Kennedy, and Angela loved Kennedy, she truly did. But this was Tristan.

They'd both made mistakes. Angela had hurt Kennedy by ignoring him the entire summer, hoping Tristan would come back to her. When he did, it was to break her heart, but she'd still been determined to prove that she deserved him. Somehow. She had gone to warn Kennedy about the potential danger he was in, but the boy was in such a ragged state, she couldn't ignore how upset he was. With a few smiles and jokes, he became the loveable Kennedy Cavan again. Then the Fall Festival had happened, where Angela had volunteered for the Kissing Booth (secretly hoping Tristan might show up and change his mind in one romantic, sweeping gesture... however Kennedy had swooped in and claimed that spot in the most spectacular display of romance). Not without regret, but with a shaky resolution, Angela was caught up in the romance Kennedy had brought her into, and she loved it. She had gone so long feeling hideous, believing Tristan couldn't bare her, that when someone finally showed her attention, she leapt on the chance to be looked at like a work of art, not a cockroach.

And so now Tristan was too late. She wanted him back, oh how she wanted him back. But she also wanted to keep Kennedy, who had saved her in more ways than one. Angela knew she couldn't have them both, but it didn't stop her from wishing. She was torn between two good things, and no matter which direction she chose, someone was going to get hurt, herself included.

Angela stomped her foot.

"Tristan I waited for you!" She brushed a stray tear away with the back of her white mitten, "There are only so many times I can apologize... but I waited! And waited, and waited. If you... if you felt like that...." Angela swallowed, lowering her voice because she was starting a scene, "...why didn't you say anything?"

Did he not realize how much he meant to her? He might be hurting too, but to know all this... it wasn't bliss anymore. It was agony.

[Tristan Marcus Dell]

This was a mistake. Tristan knew he should have just kept his mouth shut. Honesty was going to sink their ship faster than it was already sinking. She was making him relive his mistakes over and over again, and he’d rather chop his own arm off than have to bring it up.

“Because it was too late!” he told her, throwing his hands up in the air. “Trust me Angela, once I realized how much of an idiot I was, I was going to tell you that losing you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. But then Lucas saw you at the festival with him,” He still couldn’t bare to say the name out loud. “And I was too late.”

Timing. Timing and bad decisions were what brought them down. If Tristan would have just acted sooner, none of this would be happening. He’d be taking Angela to that stupid ice cream shop they always loved to visit, or watching her play with his nephew as the little baby smiled at her with the most admiration.

“Why do you care anyway?” he wondered. “You’re happy, right? You’ve got someone else, so just forget about me. You’ve done it before, I’m sure it’s not that hard.”

Tristan didn’t know which would be worse – Angela forgetting him or Angela being there to remind him how badly he messed up. One of those was sure to happen, so he had better get used to either of them.

(this is shit. sorry.)

[✿ngela wingrose]

The festival. That was the turning point, where everything had shifted. Tristan was going to talk to her after the festival? There was a knot in Angela's stomach that just sat there, making her feel heavy and sick. She could have waited just a little longer. She could have said 'no' to Kennedy at the Kissing Booth. If she could have just held onto her resolve for one or two more days, her and Tristan wouldn't be standing on the street yelling at each other. Her pink cheeks paled.

Why did she care? Was he really asking her that?! She was going to open her mouth, say something terrible that would shift everything again. She was going to say something stupid, stupid, stupid, but then his harsh words slapped her like a palm across the face.

Clamping her mouth shut, she couldn't remember why she was still talking to him. All the other things he said were forgotten, and only his last words played over and over in her head like a broken record.

"Maybe I will," Angela snapped, hating herself for sounding so cruel. But she couldn't help it. Tristan wasn't being nice, and it was either fight back or dissolve into a blubbering mess on the street, which she'd probably do soon anyway. "It's not that hard to find someone in our world who could help me forget you," her voice was trembling but she forced herself to spit out all the words, even though she didn't know what they were until they hung in the air between them, "what do I need you for anyway? You just make me feel horrible, and guilty, and ugly. You make me feel like a terrible person. And maybe I am all those things, but I don't need to live feeling like that!"

She couldn't fight the tears now. Big fat ones slipped down her cheeks.

"I can't wait for you anymore Tristan. You made your decision, and I made mine," Angela cried, tearful blue eyes boring into his, "I can't..." she felt faint, "...I can't..." she felt nauseous, "I can't breathe!"

He was the last thing she wanted to hold onto when she went down, but her hand caught his wrist weakly right before she crumpled, and her hand fell away. Angela's head thankfully hit her arm, cushioning her from smacking her head on the cold walkway. Her blonde hair splayed out like a fan and went still, and her eyelids were closed, relaxed even. She was only out for a couple seconds before her eyes fluttered open again.

Had she really... had she just fainted?

[Tristan Marcus Dell]

“Yeah, well you made me feel like I was never good enough for you to begin with. So now we’re even now, aren’t we?” Tristan yelled, though he knew it wasn’t really fair. Yeah, what she had done to him was awful, but it hadn’t really been her fault. And this wasn’t some kind of game; it was two people’s lives. There shouldn’t have been some kind of score to even.

Did she really think that he didn’t already know that he had lost his chance? That she was done waiting for him? Because he thought about it every single day. The last few months had been bad for him, but it was the last few weeks since the festival that had been the worst. He was left knowing that he had missed the only chance he was ever going to get with Angela, and that someone else had taken the opportunity that he had taken too long to act upon. He was about to tell her that he knew her mind had been made, but then she fell.

And for the first time ever, Tristan didn’t catch her.

He made an attempt, but his reflexes just seemed to be off. She slipped right through his hands. Maybe he subconsciously wanted to see her fall. He had always been there to catch her, whether it was literally or figuratively, but not this time. She had someone else to do that for her now.

As much as it hurt to even look at Angela, she had scared him. He had seen her cry to the point where she was a shaking, sobbing mess, but he had never seen her faint like that. Tristan slowly kneeled down beside her and leaned over her. He slipped a hand underneath her head to keep it off the cold ground.

“Are you alright?” he asked, wondering what the hell had just happened.

[✿ngela wingrose]

Angela had never even considered that Tristan felt the same way she did. Not the love, although that was proven different now, not the worthlessness. How on earth could Tristan Dell feel like he wasn't good enough for her? She wasn't some sort of goddess, unattainable and untouchable. A sex symbol perhaps, but never out of reach. Tristan had always had her, heart and soul, and Angela had always been the one who didn't deserve him.

All those overwhelming emotions tipped her over the edge, and it was like a computer crashing when she fainted. Now she was rebooting, and the process was painfully slow.

Was she alright? Angela looked around her quickly and up to Tristan, where the last two minutes came back to her. She sat up, so he wouldn't have to support her any longer, and winced a bit. Nothing was wrong with her head - she didn't even have a headache. How embarrassing would it be if she admitted she was having cramps? Cringing, and steadily rising to her feet, she opted to lean against a newstand instead of Tristan.

"I think so," she replied meekly, wanting nothing more than to go and curl up in a ball and die. There she could pay for her sins against Tristan, and apologize to Molly for not buying cat treats, and cry to Kennedy about how terrible her day was.

"Tristan?" Angela looked at him warily from the side of her eyes. She swallowed. "Can you do me one last favour?"

Yes, she was really doing this. One last favour, because she'd never ask for anything else. He was right about them not being able to be friends, she could see that now. It was crushing her, killing the part of her that screamed for Tristan to wrap his arms around her and stay forever. Her eyes sought his and she wiped the tears from earlier away, leaving her cheeks a little raw from her mittens.

"Tell me you hate me."

[Tristan Marcus Dell]

Thought I had more time to make this better. Sorry =[

There was no way that was normal. He wasn’t any kind of medical expert or anything, but yelling at someone one moment, fainting the next, and then just popping back up like nothing happened couldn’t have been good. Angela seemed the be okay however, so he didn’t really feel the need to pull her close to made sure she didn’t fall again. Well, he wanted to, but that obviously wasn’t to happen.

And then she made her request.

She wanted him to say what? There was no way in hell that he could have ever told Angela that he hated her. Despite the hurt, the frustrations, and the words that neither of them meant, they had still been nothing but honest with each other. If Tristan told Angela that he hated her it would be a flat out lie.

“You know I can’t do that,” he told her, shaking his head. She had to know that even if he didn’t like her (which of course he did and always would), he could never ever hate her.

[✿ngela wingrose]

You know I can't do that.

"Why not?" Angela demanded childishly, "I'm horrible. I was the worst girlfriend you've ever had. What I did was terrible and unforgiveable. You hate me, why is it so hard to admit it?"

Sure, he might have said he still had feelings for her. But you could love and hate someone. No. No no no. She couldn't think like that. Angela had to hear Tristan tell her that he hated her and never wanted to see her again. Then she could live a guilt-free existence with Kennedy. Her happily ever after could not include an ex-boyfriend still loving her.

Yes, Tristan hated her. After everything she'd put him through, she could understand the hatred. How he could ever still love her after that didn't make sense. She just needed to hear him say it. Speak those three words...

Now it was Tristan's choice. He could walk away and refuse to tell her the words that would cut her to pieces. Or he could massacre her heart and let her crawl back to her other lover, convinced that Kennedy was the only one for her. There were definitely other options, but those were the only two Angela could see.

"You hate me," she repeated.

[Tristan Marcus Dell]

Tristan had never been more frustrated with Angela before. He was pretty sure that he had never been this frustrated with anyone in his whole life, actually. How selfish could she be to make him say something like that just so she could get over him easier? That was so unfair.

“You know what Angela, if that’s what’s going to make you happy, then fine,” he just about laughed. “I hate you for making me feel guilty about something you did. I hate you for making me feel like the biggest idiot on the planet, and for embarrassing the hell out of me. Is that what you wanted to hear? It doesn’t matter what I tell you, Angela, because you know none of it’s true. But if that’s what it takes for you to get what you want, well there it is. I said it.”

Of course he would give her what she wanted. He always had, and the one time he did something to improve himself it had backfired terribly and he lost her for good. Angela was done with him; he understood that.

There was no point in him sticking around. They seemed to make it clear to one another that they didn’t want to be anywhere near each other (whether they actually felt that way or not), so why just keep subjecting themselves to that torture?

“All I can say is that he better be good to you,” Tristan shrugged. And it was all he did say before he gave Angela one last pained look and slowly started off down the street, the rest of the days errands forgotten.

[✿ngela wingrose]

The first 'I hate you' made her flinch, and she got what she'd been asking for. Her heart shattered the more he went on and on, and although some very, very small part of her knew he didn't mean it, the majority of her wanted so badly to have this reassurance. She was so talented at being the victim that Tristan accusing her of being the perpetrator actually weakened her into feeling like the victim again. It was the only role she knew how to play, and it was unfortunate that she was so good at it.


She choked on whatever word she had been about to say. Cringing again as the pain in her abdomen rose, Angela gripped the news paper stand tighter, her knuckles turning white beneath her beige mitts.

"All I can say is that he better be good to you."

Angela couldn't stop the tears. Yes, Kennedy would be good to her. Of this she was positive. In fact, she wanted nothing more than to have his big arms around her right this instant. She let go of the stand and hugged herself tightly. Molly wouldn't be getting and kitty treats today. Angela needed to feel loved.

Feet lifting off the ground, and not caring who saw, the upset blonde shot into the freezing winter air above Masonville and off toward the Academy. Wincing every now and then at her cramps, but more upset than in pain, Angela sobbed loudly to herself. No one would be able to hear her from this high up. She let her emotions drive her onward.

"Why can't I stop loving you?!"