I Caught Myself--

[Kellan Grace Callahan]

reserved ♥

It was four in the morning, but Kellan didn’t care. She had to see him. She had to know he was okay. A simple phone call or even a text would have done the job, but after waking up from the worst dream she ever remembered having, she had to see him.

She had woken up screaming and sweating, finding it almost impossible to catch her breath. She eventually clamed herself down, but she couldn’t stop replaying her daunting dream over and over and over again in her mind. The warehouse. The machines. The blood. Her boyfriend’s lifeless body. It was terrifying.

‘It was a dream,’ she told herself. ‘He’s fine. He’s sleeping in his bed safe and sound. He’s fine. Go back to sleep.’

But no matter how much she assured herself that the entire thing had been a dream and she was panicking for absolutely no reason, it wasn’t enough to put her worried mind at ease. She had to see him.

Kellan rolled out of bed, swept her car keys off her dresser, and bolted out the door, which was how she ended up on Kenneth’s front step. No jacket. No shoes. Just the clothes she had slept in. Her eyes were red and swollen as if maybe she had been crying, but Kellan Callahan didn’t cry so of course that was impossible.

It was freezing, but the cold was the last thing on Kellan’s mind. She knocked five hard knocks on the door. Her hands were so frozen that the contact with the door hurt her fingers like hell, but the stinging pain was quickly forgotten. It couldn’t have been more than twenty seconds later that she impatiently knocked again, this time harder and more frantic than before.

She had to see him.

[҉ Kenneth Lorne]

"THAT'S MY TACO!"

Kenneth was a pretty heavy sleeper. He snored, too, a well-known fact amongst his friends. He'd fall asleep around Kellan too, and she knew the effort it took to wake him up.

Luckily, even though it was 4AM, Kenneth was just falling asleep, between that state of consciousness and thinking of what he ate for dinner. Yes, that's a state he's frequently in, between debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed to turn off the downstairs lights and wondering what to ask Jon to make for dinner tomorrow.

The younger boy was sleeping over tonight, and he was usually a lighter sleeper than Kenneth. But they had gone their separate ways just a half hour ago; Ken made him watch some horror movie with him, and it didn't end till three-twenty. Anyway, Jon was downstairs on the couch, out cold.

The first set of knocks made Ken grumble something rude into his pillow. The second set of knocks had him tossing the covers off himself. He shivered in the morning air and flinched girlishly when his bare feet came in contact with the cool floor.

"Harmony, I thought it was impossible for someone with your luck to forget your keys, but you've proved me wrong," He growled, flicking on the lights as he descended to the doorway. He threw it open, a pissed-off look on his half-asleep face.

"Kel?" He said stupidly, but then took in her appearance. What...?!

"Are you okay? What happened?" There wasn't a manual on this; what to do when your girlfriend shows upon your doorstep at who knows what time in the morning. Should he wake up Jon, get him to make some hot chocolate or something? Or go buy chocolate-mint ice cream? He opened his arms in an invitation. She really looked like she needed a hug.

A thousand different possibilities as to why she was here, looking like this, so late, ran through his head, and none of them were good. He examined her, urging the blurriness to fade from his eyes, so he could assure himself she wasn't injured.

"Did someone hurt you? You can tell me," His voice was gentle despite the frantic look in his eyes.

[Kellan Grace Callahan]

Kellan always loved seeing Kenneth, but she had never been more happy to see him as she was right then. It felt like it took an eternity for him to get to the door, but as soon as he had opened it, Kellan threw arms around him. Her hands were probably like icicles on his just-out-of-bed skin, but she was too occupied with the fact that he was alive and well to realize she was potentially turning her boyfriend into a human freeze pop.

“No, no, I’m fine,” she assured him, her face buried in his bare chest. It wasn’t until then that she realized just how crazy she must have looked standing in his doorway at four in the morning in cropped sweatpants and no shoes.

“I know I should have just called or waited until the morning, and I’m sorry for waking you up, but I just had this, this dream where you were dead and there was blood everywhere and I just had to make sure you were okay.”

She squeezed him tightly before taking a step backward, her hands still glued to Kenneth’s waist. She wasn’t ready to let go just yet. She looked him up and down and took him in, appreciating the fact that all his limbs were still attached and his organs were still packed away tightly under his skin, not that he was standing inches from her half naked.

“It sounds really stupid when I say it out loud,” she realized. Kellan shifted, finally noticing how cold her feet were. She wondered who the heck in the Pacific Northwest went outside at night in November with no shoes on. “Sorry. You should go back to sleep. I’ll uh, I’ll call you tomorrow… er, later today I guess.”

But she didn’t want him to go back inside. Not without her, at least. Kellan wanted him to tell her to come inside, to get out of the cold. She wanted to talk, but she figured that it was four in the fricken morning, he probably thought she was crazy, and he most likely just wanted to go back to bed.

[҉ Kenneth Lorne]

He jumped a bit at her touch - not that it was unwelcome, but it was, well, cold. How long had she been waiting outside for? He couldn't see her feet, so he was oblivious to her own discomfort. Plus, he was listening very, very carefully, seeing as how his eyes were still very, very bleary. He really needed glasses.

"A dream?" He chuckled, not because he thought it was funny, but in relief. It could have been something worse, something much worse, and this was a wonderful alternative to what his overactive imagination had been preparing him for. "A dream that I died...? Baby," He held her at arm's length when she pulled back, and he gave her that crooked smile, "s'not going to happen." He flexed one naked bicep as if his buff bod would protect him from a fictional murder. He let her examine him, not feeling the least bit self-conscious standing in front of her with hardly any clothes on.

"It doesn't sound really stupid. Maybe a little stupid," He qualified, then grinned, "but definitely not really stupid..." Then Kellan started babbling about leaving, and his face wrinkled into one gigantic WTFNOooo.

"Heyy, no, stay. It's like, what? Two in the morning?" He hadn't bothered to check his clock before answering the door. Kellan was right about one thing though; Ken did want to go back to sleep. The cold air and her cool skin was waking him up, and he didn't feel like being alert right now. He wanted his warm, cozy bed, and his girlfriend. Maybe he could have both? "Just stick around for the rest of the night. I'll drive you to school in the morning if you want," He couldn't tell if that was her car parked outside his house. He really needed glasses. "We can get breakfast..." He placed a hand on the side of her face and stroked his thumb across her cheek, "I'll keep you safe from the bad dreams," He promised. That overconfident smile was warm and inviting.

A frigid November wind whipped up then, teasing Kellan's hair and making Kenneth jump again. Suddenly he was less charming and more, "Geezus it's freezing out here, Kel!" The wind might be waking him up, but his brain certainly wasn't working. If it were, he might invite them both in. Poor Kellan might have to do the thinking for him.

[Kellan Grace Callahan]

She wouldn’t have blamed him if he didn’t ask her to stay. For all Kellan knew, he had been fast asleep for hours and she had interrupted his peaceful slumber. No, she wouldn’t have blamed him if he sent her back to school, but she was really, really hoping that he wouldn’t. She could tell he was half asleep, and as tired as she was too, she wasn’t done with him. Luckily she didn’t have anything to worry about, and she accepted his invitation gratefully.

“Well, I guess I can stay,” she shrugged, not even hinting as to how much she was hoping he’d ask her to come inside. It had been her goal from day one to keep his ego in check, and he would have a field day if he knew how much she was dying to stay with him that night.

He was alive and breathing and that was enough by itself to make Kellan relax. She breathed a sigh of relief. Kenneth was okay. His guts weren’t strewn around him like in her dream and that, more than anything, made her feel all right for the first time since she had woken up screaming.

“Come on, Superman,” she smirked, finally able to relax enough to take in more than just the fact that Ken was indeed alive. Her eyes scanned over his torso, a sight that Kellan never really got tired of seeing, and it gave her great satisfaction to know that that boy was exclusively hers. “My toes are freezing. Let’s go inside.”

Kellan let her fingers glide over Kenneth’s stomach before she took his hand and tugged him inside the warmth of the townhouse that she had become so familiar with since Ken first moved in. She was completely oblivious to their curly-headed friend passed out on the couch, otherwise she would have been quieter.

“You know, you really should think about putting some pants on the next time you answer the door in the middle of the night,” she suggested. “Not that I’m complaining or anything, but what if I was some crazy escaped convict or serial killer who wanted to gut you like the guy in my dream? I bet lunatics like cute, naked Clark Kents.”

[҉ Kenneth Lorne]

His grin was relieved too, and he was pleased that she wasn't determined to run back to school. "Good," He replied, and like Kellan, he tried not to show how enthusiastic he was about her decision. Her little nickname for him made his heart flutter in a very unmanly way, and he returned her smirk. Wow, did girls always look this good in sweats? He was sure it was just Kellan. Then she commented on her toes and Ken looked down. Even with his eyes, he could see the flesh-coloured toes poking out from beneath her pants.

His girlfriend was sexy, and crazy. He opened his mouth to point out that maybe her toes wouldn't be so cold if she was wearing shoes, like a normal person, but her hand was on his stomach and he was shivering with a mixture of the temperature and excitement. Her chastising was heard with numbed ears, and he followed her inside the house.

"Huh? Is the serial killer gay?" He wrinkled his nose, then thumbed in the direction of the couch, "I'd offer him Jon, so I could get out unscathed and come back to you." They both knew it was a lie; that Ken would sooner beat the guy to a pulp than turn tail and run, but that probably wasn't what Kellan wanted to hear right now, and Ken was in no mood to start an argument.

He lowered his voice, for his sleeping friend's sake, and he nodded toward the stairs.

"Let's go up?" He wanted to greet his girlfriend properly, and now that he'd pointed out Jon, he knew Kellan would think of this as PDA, even if their audience was ten feet under unconsciousness. Kenneth never had difficulty expressing himself in public, but he knew that Kellan wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with other people seeing the more physical side of their relationship.

He squeezed her hand and tugged gently in the direction of the stairs. He should offer her something to drink, some of the leftover tacos he was saving for lunch later today, but his brain was already shutting down, at half-mast, like his eyelids.

[Kellan Grace Callahan]

“Well, he might be gay. I didn’t really ask the crazed serial killer in my dream whether he preferred getting it on with guys or girls,” Kellan pointed out. “He was too busy, you know, slicing you open and dumping your guts on the dirty floor of some warehouse while I had to watch the whole thing. Your heart was still beating even after he ripped it out of you. It was disgusting.”

With Kenneth’s gesture, she noticed Jon sleeping on the couch and nodded an ‘ohhh, I see’ nod. It was a good thing Ken told her Jon was there, otherwise Kellan would have pulled him right over to the couch. She wasn’t done with him. She wanted to get right down to business. Well, her business, not what Kenneth might have had in mind.

Kellan thought about saying something along the lines of, ‘You know, your best friend wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch if there wasn’t a stupid demon girl living in the other room.’ She was still pretty bitter about that, but it really wasn’t the right time to bring it up. She didn’t want to fight tonight. Kellan briefly wondered if Harmony was there that night or if she was off doing whatever the heck it was she did, but the thought was only entertained long enough for Kellan to remind herself that she just didn’t care.

She nodded at Kenneth’s suggestion to go upstairs. As much as she adored Jon and considered him one of her favorite friends (who else stood on the sidelines at parties with her and laughed at their drunken friends?), there were just some things that weren’t meant to be done in front of an audience, sleeping or not.

She quietly set her car keys down on the floor next to the bottom of the staircase so she wouldn’t have to go looking for them in the morning and followed Ken up the stairs.

[҉ Kenneth Lorne]

"You were just sitting around watching him gut me? Gee thanks babe," Ken accused her sarcastically, though his sleep-saturated voice held no actual vindication. It was a dream. Weird shit happened in dreams. He should know - he had his own share of twisted nightmares. Not that he would ever admit it.

As they ascended the stairs, he thought about the warm, comfy covers of his duvet and the soft pillow. It was an errant thought he was trying hard not to embrace, not when Kellan was going to be in his arms in a couple seconds. But it really was late, and he was exhausted. Kellan didn't look overtly awake either, and he wondered if she might just fall asleep as soon as they crawled into bed.

But despite his exhaustion and regardless of their unspoken agreement, his mouth grew dry with anticipation. Thinking about Kellan in his bed, no matter how platonic their actions might be, had him licking his lips. She was really turning him on, but she probably didn't want to hear that right now. She needed a hug, and to go back to sleep, just like him. God, his libido literally was on 24/7, even when his tank was running on empty.

"Hey, would you still date me if I wore glasses?" He asked after groping for the invisible light switch. He knew Kellan wouldn't care what the heck he wore; she wasn't shallow, but a part of him was genuinely worried about her opinion, and an even smaller part fretted over how it could interfere in their relationship. He knew it was stupid to think about those things, but they were there nevertheless. Even the most confident boyfriends have their insecurities. He'd have to take Eiji shopping, something he joked about all the time or threatened punishment to the other boys. Eiji was a shopaholic, but he sure had good taste. Maybe he'd be able to help Kenneth find a pair of glasses that didn't make him look like Urkle.

He grinned quietly to himself as he pulled his girlfriend into the room. Distracting himself with mundane, unimportant chatter helped him stave off the lust he felt for her. She would never fully grasp how attractive she was. Not for a lack of trying on his part though. "I'll bet you could pull off glasses. You'd look pretty darn cute, too," He made a disgusted look and stuck his tongue out at her childishly.

[Kellan Grace Callahan]

Kellan sighed as they walked up the stairs. That was the worst part of her dream – that she hadn’t been able to do anything about it and had to watch the scene play out in front of her completely helplessly. That dream had really shaken her up. She had had bad ones before, but never one like that. Never a dream so bad and so vivid that she had to drive to the other side of the city just to make sure that the person she cared about was all right.

She quietly closed behind her once they reached Ken’s room. The tired girl squinted until her eyes adjusted to the light, which seemed so bright compared to the dim light from outside and downstairs. She instantly felt warmer once she took a few steps inside the room, whether it was because she was out of the cold or in the comfort that was Kenneth’s bedroom.

She laughed at his question, hoping that he knew how unnecessary asking it was. After this long, Kenneth could take to wearing a monocle and she would still blush every time he sent one of his beautiful smiles her way.

“Duh. Of course I would,” was her honest and expected answer. “Clark Kent wore glasses, you know.” She smirked as her eyes drifted briefly toward the Superman logo on his wonderful choice of sleeping attire. “So did John Lennon and he’s like my second favorite Beatle.”

With his hand still in hers, Kellan crossed the room and sat down at the foot of Kenneth’s bed. Her smirk was quickly and suddenly replaced by a much more serious look. She pulled him close so he’d stand right in front of her before she dropped his hand and wrapped her arms around the striking boy’s waist.

“That dream made me realize something, you know,” she said softly, her forehead resting against Ken’s stomach. She placed a chaste kiss against his skin before she loosened her grip and looked up at him.

“You’re paying attention, right?” she asked, because if was ten after four in the morning and Kellan knew that Kenneth wasn’t always the best listener and sometimes unintentionally tuned her out. He had to listen to this though.

[҉ Kenneth Lorne]

He pretended to ignore where her eyes moved as she mentioned Superman wearing glasses. To avoid mentioning it altogether, he focused on the second example she gave him. "So I'm only going to be as cool as your second favourite Beatle? To be your first, do I have to grow my nose out?" Even after all the time they spent together, Kenneth always found new information about Kellan fascinating. He knew her second favourite Beatle, and now he had to know her first. Maybe he'd request that she rank them when they were both awake enough in the morning. It was like they were continuously getting to know each other, as though the honeymoon stage of their relationship would never end.

He let her drag him to the end of his bed, and watched as she sat down in front of him. He tried very hard not to imagine the things they could do in this position alone, but she made it very difficult when she touched her lips to his stomach. Her arms around his waist were almost driving him as crazy as they way she was looking at him. What was she saying? Oh, her dream told her something.

"Y-yeah. Paying attention," His boyish grin was a little strained as he tried to control his bodily functions. Listen to your girlfriend. Get your head out of the gutter. Which was easier said than done. He cleared his throat. He wanted to run a hand over her messy hair, but that made it too hard to keep his breath even. "What did the dream... say...?"

He gently removed her hands from his body and held them between them. A thumb grazed over her knuckles and he looked her in the eye. They didn't have very many serious moments; Kenneth was always too boisterous and immature, and Kellan was usually more than happy to go along with his silly mannerisms. But when she wanted him to hear her, and she didn't ask for it often, Kenneth was more than happy to give her his full attention.

(Sorry is so short!)

[Kellan Grace Callahan]

It was George. Paul was the happy one, Ringo was the funny one, and John was the smart one, but George had always been her favorite ever since she had first watched A Hard Day’s Night with her granddad when she was six. Kellan wanted to tell Kenneth that he couldn’t be George because George was an incredible guitar and sitar player while Ken was bothered by anything with strings, but she instead decided not to crush his spirits. There were more important things on her mind.

She waited until Ken confirmed that he really was listening to her before she said anything else. Her dream had left her needing to made sure that he was all right, but in the back of her mind she knew that he was just fine. It was what ran through her mind in the half hour of trying to fall back asleep that had really made her jump out of bed and into the car.

“It made me realize how bad life would suck without you,” she told him. “So bad. The thought of you not being here makes me sick. I know it was just a dream, but I woke up feeling so… so empty. I don’t want to be without you.”

Their relationship, for the most part, came easy to them. They had met at the end of April, just after Kellan’s seventeenth birthday. They went out a few times after that, but despite Kenneth’s best efforts, they wouldn’t even share a kiss until his gradation in June. It was still another month before they became exclusive and official, but once they hit that mark it was all uphill. Yes, sometimes she was a little too jealous and nagged a bit and he was sometimes a little too immature and egotistical, but they balanced each other out so well.

Kellan gave his hands a squeeze as she took a deep breath. She looked as hopeful as she did nervous and she was pretty sure her heart might chisel its way out of her chest, but she smiled at him before she went on.

“I love you, Ken. And I think I’ve loved you for a long time but I’ve been too scared to admit it to myself, nonetheless you. And you don’t have to say it back if you don’t want to because I don’t want you to if you don’t want to, so don’t feel obligated. But I just wanted to say it before I chickened out because I almost turned around twice on the way here.”

It had taken almost a year and a half, but she had finally spoken the words that she had never said to any other boy she had ever met.

[҉ Kenneth Lorne]

Her confession caught him off-guard. Sure, he knew Kellan liked him. Alot. Enough to put up with his stupider ideas. But she was talking about not being able to live without him. That was really... intense. He stared at her hard, and in their silence his mind went over a few things.

What would he do without Kellan? If she suddenly left him, or worse, was killed, how would that effect him? Instantly panic swept over him, and his palms started to sweat as he held her hand. He didn't notice his grip tighten slightly, possessively. He didn't want her to go, he didn't want to think about what his life would be like with her not in it. He couldn't even process it. He was about to tell her not to die - ever - when she said the three words.

It wasn't often that someone could render Kenneth Lorne speechless, but this would be one of those rare moments. He heard her out, know most of it was nervous babble, but he listened. And as she rambled on about nearly turning around and not seeing him tonight, he kissed her. Because he couldn't make his tongue form words. Not yet.

Girls had told him they loved him before. Hell, boys said so too. But with Kellan it left him... light-headed. Winded. Excited. And really, really awake.

"You are the most perfect person in the world for me," He managed to say once his mind and mouth were connected again. "So don't go leaving, or dying, or getting yourself killed. Because I don't think I'll handle it any better than you." He thought about Dorian, and how crushed he'd been when Elliot left. He'd never seen so much agony in his life. He thought about his father, and how miserable he'd been when Rowena left him. He didn't want to be like those guys.

"Can we just live happily ever after?" Kenneth asked her, and although the words were fanciful and childish, he was staring at her earnestly, hoping her answer would be yes.

[Kellan Grace Callahan]

Well, he didn’t want her to leave. Or die. That was always a good sign, she supposed. She had meant it when she told him that she didn’t want him to say it back if he didn’t want to, but it didn’t mean she wasn’t a little disappointed when he didn’t. She reminded herself that it didn’t necessarily mean that he didn’t love her, or at least something close, but maybe he just couldn’t tell her yet.

Kellan’s smile dropped for what could have only been a second or two, barely noticeable, before it was back again, though this time just a little less bright. She knew she shouldn’t have been disappointed and she felt bad that she was. The last thing Kellan wanted was for Kenneth to tell her something just because he thought she wanted to hear it, not because he wanted to say it. At least he hadn’t laughed at her…

She had started to feel a little better, but then it was Kenneth’s turn to catch her off guard with his three little words.

Happily ever after, to Kellan at least, implied forever, and forever was a very very very long time. Telling him she loved him was one thing. Talking about Forever, that was another. She didn’t know if Ken was being serious or if he was just trying to be funny, but Kellan knew she needed to dance around the question to keep from thinking about it too much.

“You’re such a girl,” she laughed, avoiding the question all together. She used his weight to pull herself to her feet. She dropped one of his hands before reaching up and trailing her fingertips across the back of his neck. “But you’re cute, so I guess it’s okay.”

[҉ Kenneth Lorne]

Sometimes Kenneth could be a romantic. Sometimes he could be considerate, even clever. Unfortunately that time was not 4:30am. At 4:30am Kenneth Lorne was an ignorant idiot.

In his head and heart he knew he loved Kellan. He hadn't really clued in to the fact he hadn't said it out loud. He must have figured his feelings were understood when he told her that he didn't want her to ever go. Or maybe it was as Kellan suspected, and he wasn't ready to say it.

Her accusation was all he picked up on, and his awful eyesight completely missed the flickering of her smile and the spark die from her expression. He gave her a boyish grin and brushed back imaginary long hair. "Then that makes you a lesbian. Which makes us ridiculously hot." Her arms around his neck invited him to lean in and plant his lesbian kiss on her lips, and because she freed his hands, he could use them to pull her closer.

But instead of pursuing the joke as Kenneth usually would, he stopped short of himself. Something in his head clicked.

Kellan loved him. She had come here in the middle of the night to tell him. Did she want him to...? How could he ask her if she was...? 'Hey Kellan, wanna go?' just didn't seem appropriate. He was suddenly shy, and tongue-tied, choking on the words he couldn't spit out. So he resorted to what six year old boys did when they have no idea what to do.

"Kellan and Kenneth sitting in a tree..." He sang softly under his breath, that trademark Kenneth Lorne smile pulling on his lips. He was able to withhold the kissing noises so he could lean his forehead against hers. "Think you're okay to sleep? I'll beat up any nightmares that try to find you," He promised in a grave, serious voice. And although part of him wanted to ask her if she wanted to do more than sleep, he also didn't want tonight to be the night. He wanted Kellan to want to be with him for a reason that wasn't spurred by fear or obligation or pressure. It had to be right, and tonight wasn't right. At least he didn't think it was.

[Kellan Grace Callahan]

“Eww, you’re gross,” Kellan complained as the image of girl-Kenneth crossed her mind. She scrunched her nose and tried to lean away from his kiss, but she wasn’t quick enough. Luckily for both of them, Kenneth and his so-not-feminine hands pulling her closer to him was enough to remind her that he was her boyfriend.

Kellan laughed quietly at his song. She loved it when he sang to her, even if it was just some stupid kids’ song. And he was right. Tonight wasn’t the night.

Little did Kenneth know, had his reaction to her dropping the L word been a little different and had it not been an ungodly hour of the morning, he probably would have gotten what he had been waiting for for what had to be close to a year and a half. She told him the night she brought him back to her dorm from the abandoned movie theater in Missouri that she couldn’t do it, couldn’t sleep with him, until she knew for sure that she was in love. Tonight she knew. It just didn’t seem right though. Not when she was left feeling disappointed even though she told herself she wouldn’t.

“Mmm, sleep,” she responded because she really was tired. It was 4:30 in the morning and she hadn’t been awake at that time since everyone went to Las Vegas for the Stage Fright contest. Even then she had been tired, miserable, and just wanted to crash. Kellan wasn’t the nocturnal type.

Figuring she’d feel better in the morning, or what was left of it at least, Kellan kissed Kenneth quickly before pulling herself away from him. She flashed him a quick ‘hey, I like you’ smile, this one more genuine from the once a few minutes earlier, before crawling into the right side of his bed.